These days, every minor institutional faux pas draws a melodramatic fawning apology utterly devoid of a modicum of self-respect and expressed through the metallic insincerity of boilerplate buzzwords . By now, one or more generations have grown up bombarded with such nonsense. We  only can imagine what they must be like at home…

---

Hey Bob, listen, it’s no big deal, but could you take out the trash when it’s your turn? It’s really been piling up.

I’ve heard you loud and clear.

Fantastic.

My top priority has been fostering a community which values inclusiveness, mutual respect, and constructive engagement. A place where all perspectives, values, diverse viewpoints, and lifestyles are cherished.

Um, ok. Sure.

I realize I’ve fallen far short of my high ideals in this regard, and promise to do better.

Great. So … you’ll take out the trash?

But it’s not enough to be sorry. I know there has been an inexcusable breach of trust, and that my actions have caused deep hurt and lasting anguish.

If you feel bad, you could, like, take out the trash.

I can do better. I will not be complacent in the face of such a challenge. This is an opportunity for reflection and learning, to grow into a better version of myself.

Really, it’s not that big a deal. You just take the trash and put it in the bin.

Change is necessary, and the first step toward such change is to understand the scope of the problem.

That’s easy. The schedule is on the fridge. Just, you know, do it.

Toward this end, I have identified several important steps.

There’s really just one.

First, I enrolled in a sixteen-week sensitivity training course, mandatory for me, myself, and I.

Is that the reason you didn’t do any other chores for the last sixteen weeks?

I also hired an outside firm to thoroughly investigate my past behaviors and recommend a path forward. You may have noticed them here and there recently.

You mean that guy who crashed on the couch and ate all my Doritos? I thought he was a friend of yours.

After a rigorous investigation, we have concluded that all policies and procedures were followed and there was no misconduct.

You’re not going to take out the trash, are you?

The repercussions of trashgate are ongoing, and I will not rest on my laurels. I can do better, and I will do better.

Can part of your “not resting” involve moving trash from the kitchen to the bin?

That I did not intend my actions to be offensive is no excuse for the anxiety and pain they have caused.

It doesn’t smell great, and can attract roaches.

Nor do those actions reflect who I am as a person.

Pretty sure they do.

However, in the face of the continuing public reaction, my involvement can only serve to distract from our community’s valuable mission.

I think I know where this is going.

In consultation with myself, I have concluded that the best way for us all to move forward is for me to step down from my trash removal responsibilities.

You know, you could have just refused up front.

Although my formal role has diminished, I will remain active in other aspects of our vibrant and innovative community.

In other words, you’ll continue to use the foosball table.

I only hope these steps can bring some small measure of closure to those who have suffered through my thoughtless actions.

The only closure we need is of the trash bin.